Go Go Berserk of the Quad City Rollers commented on my post on RollerJam that she remembered watching it. Apparently this did make an impression on her as she asked the people who got her into this if there was an alligator tank in the center of the rink.
An alligator tank? Did it get that bad with RollerJam? I wasn't about to call her crazy or accuse her of having a false memory because it was certainly possible that the people who ruined RollerJam would do such a stunt- The thing was damned near impossible to watch by the bitter end.
Come to find out though that there was not an alligator tank in the middle of the arena in RollerJam, but there was another roller derby inspired show called Rollergames.
Rollergames didn't make it obviously. Neither did Rollergames' own Tammy Hanson cut it in her singing career.
But it looked promising, no? There were lots of gimmicks added to spice up the Derby game that were sure to succeed!
The Wall of Death! The Jumps! The Alligator Pit! The Cheerleaders! The Pop Metal Theme Song I Can't Get Out Of My Head Right Now!
What does it all mean?
I can be a really weird guy who can come up with the most abstract reasons for anything but I can't think of reason much of this.
Most of the time I like to end with a persnickety comment. But this time I got nothing. This show drains all my mental faculties to the point where I'm amazed I can still type at all.
The Eastern Iowa Outlaws Roller Derby League announced that their home bouts are slated to take place at the Dubuque Five Flags Center, 405 Main St, in Dubuque.
The league, which currently consists of 22 skaters will be playing their home bouts at the Five Flag Center between October 2010 and April 2011.
The Outlaws will not be holding formal tryouts, but those who are interested in playing, as well as potential referees and volunteers, are asked to contact the league via e-mail at easterniowaoutlaws@gmail.com.
The announcement e-mail in its entirety:
The Eastern Iowa Outlaws Roller Derby League is a new team formed in Feb. 2010 in Eastern Iowa.
We have ladies from all over the area, Cedar Rapids, Marion, Monticello, Anamosa, Dubuque and even Wisconsin.
2 veteran skaters started this league in February after much thought and we have grown to 22 skaters in the last month.
We continue to look for more ladies to join the league and also referees/volunteers.
We will not be holding formal tryouts- but encourage those interested in playing derby to contact us via email and we will gladly give you more information.
We hold practices on Mondays from 6-8pm and Thursdays from 6-9pm in Monticello IA. We do carpool and we are centrally located between Dubuque and Cedar Rapids.
Our skate season for Home games will be October 2010-April 2011. We will continue skating during the summer of 2011 also for Away bouts.
We are PROUD to announce we do have a HOME venue for our bouts and will be sponsored by:
The Dubuque Five Flags Center in Dubuque, IA.
We look forward to this new and exciting opportunity to provide the Eastern Iowa area with a good sporting venue and getting to meet/play other derby teams from the tri-state area!
The Muddy River Nightmares are holding an event called "May Day Mayhem" which will allow fans and those who are interested in Roller Derby to meet members of the team between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. on Saturday, May 1, at Roller Den 2000, 1129 Briarcliff Lane, in Clinton.
There is no admission to "May Day Mayhem" but there will be a bake sale with lots of treats for sale as well as the Muddy River merchandise table.
The Mid Iowa Rollers will be hosting a Jello Shot Party and Fundraiser from 8 p.m. to close on Saturday May 1, at Ron's Dawg House, 2117 E. University Ave. in Des Moines.
Fishnets and booze will be plentiful, plus a chance to win tickets to the Rollers upcoming May 15 and May 22 bouts at Hy-Vee Hall. Tickets to both bouts will be for sale at the event- $10 when you get them from a Derby Girl.
New Rollers t-shirts will also be for sale at the event along with key chains, koozies and other things.
NOTE: Go Go Berserk plays for the Quad City Rollers. She is the author of this scene report
A Skater’s Visit to the Stats Side
I hope not to be showing a lot of ignorance in writing this but rather to help the casual observer of the rising sport of flat track roller derby gain a better understanding of what they are seeing at a bout.
When I started to skate with the Quad City Rollers in November 2008, we didn’t have enough girls to fill out a bout day roster. The way it would work is any bout we played in we had to borrow substitute skaters from friendly leagues so that we could put a full 14 on the track. The upside to this is that every girl got to play every bout if she was available to. The downside…some of us never had to work any of the other very important track side jobs like stats or score keeping and the like. Those jobs were always filled with friends, spouses or volunteers. So due to my timing of getting into roller derby I skated in 13 bouts before coming to a point where I realized that I had never done stats before and that it might just do me some good to give it a go.
Our league is experiencing some very welcome growth in numbers. We have plenty now to make up any given bout roster but the issue at hand has changed from simply needing warm bodies to put on the track to how we determine who gets to be on roster. As with many leagues we have in place eligibility requirements that basically mean that each skater has to meet a certain amount of practice time, skill and otherwise teamwork to get their name in the running for roster. When it came time for our Training Committee to make the roster for our April 17th bout I was among the eligible skaters along with a couple of our newbies who had not yet experienced their first. Those 2 had worked their tales off to become official team members and at that time the light came on in my cranium making me recognize how different our league is now from when I skated in my first bout. It was then that I made the Training Committee’s selection process just a tad easier by offering to be the alternate for April 17th. This would give at least one of those girls her reward for all her hard work as well as give me a chance to learn about stats which still were a bit of a mystery to me.
Stats people are expected to be neutral in action and attire during a bout not showing favorable representation to either team on the track. I had to show up on bout day not wearing anything that said Quad City Rollers on it. This also meant that I could not openly cheer on my girls. Seems like simple requirements but does feel very odd after skating with this bunch for a year and a half.
My job was going to be to maintain the large center track marker board which displays both teams and their derby numbers. On this board you mark down any minor or major penalties each skater picks up during play as well as tracking the number of team time outs called throughout.
When a skater picks up 4 minor penalties she gets sent to the penalty box to serve a minutes’ time. Those 4 minors then get wiped off of the marker board displaying that skater at a fresh start when she comes out of the box. The thing about those minors is that the referee making the call may not realize that it is that skater’s 4th and therefore doesn’t always send her off the track right at that moment. Ref then reports the minor to one of the stats people and they in turn report it to me and at that point I realize it is a 4th minor and look to see if that girl got sent to the box or not. If not, I alert the ref to send her off. So the delay on this relay of information does make it seem at times as though a ref is calling a skater off for no apparent reason. This then often drew both funny looks from the skater as well as the all too familiar shouts from the crowd of, “Ref, you suck!” So for those of you that ever thought this or said this please see page 8, section 7 http://wftda.com/Appendix-C-WFTDA-Hand-Signals.pdf where it shows the ref signal for fourth minor. I recommend watching for this at the next bout you see or skate in and consider this before you decide to serve that ref's head on a platter at the after party. ;0)
When my instructions were given on how to do this I sadly thought, “Eh, piece of cake”. Getting into the chaos of the bout though really gave me a new appreciation for this. During the first jam I only had to mark down a couple of minor penalties. No biggee. But once it reached several jams into the bout and especially into the 2nd half it got a little hairy at times. At one point there had to be about 8 or 9 girls that were sitting on their 3rd minor and sure enough one particular jam had me going a bit nuts with marking a 4th minor and hollering…even chasing a ref to get various girls off the track at once. Bah! Throw in the major penalties and the fact that you could not always clearly hear the penalty being called just added further stress to the situation.
Now what I haven’t said yet is that my team played a truly incredible bout that night in a tense, nail biting, always close match up against the Paper Valley – Flying Squirrels. My girls won in the end 105 to 94. It does sting a bit not to have been in the pack for such an amazing one but I’m super proud to have challenged myself to learn more about the stats because it ultimately means I now know better about the sport I’ve come to love so much. Roller derby truly is the ultimate in organized chaos!
Aug 21 -AWAY (Unknown)
Sept 11- AWAY vs. La Crosse Skating Sirens
Sept 18- HOME vs.Muddy River Nightmares
Oct 16 -AWAY vs. Des Moines Derby Dames
Oct 23- Tournament
Nov 13- HOME vs. Des Moines Derby Dames
Tickets for the May 8th bout between the Des Moines Derby Dames and the Muddy River Nightmare can be purchased online at Great Tickets Now.com.
$10 in advance, $12 at the door. The event will be taking place at the 7Flags Fitness and Raquet Club in Clive.
Those of you in Des Moines can also purchase tickets from your friendly local Des Moines Derby Dame.
Its important to remember that the Dames sold out their home opener at the Val-Air Ballroom. I wouldn't waste anytime getting tickets for this one or you may be shut out.
The first skate-around for women interested in forming a roller derby team in the Cedar Valley will take placefrom 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. at Super Skate, 5100 Northland Ave NE in Cedar Rapids.
This inaugural skate-around was agreed upon at the first meeting of the potential Cedar Valley club, currently going by the title of 319 RDC, in Cedar Falls, Sunday
The meeting was headed by Morgan Combs and Jessica Rosenwinkel, two of the prime movers attempting to get a team going. A total of nine people were in attendance.
The potential team batted around different potential locations to practice and also tentatively decided that the team colors would be purple and black.
Both Combs and Rosenwinkel said they are still looking for ladies who are possibly interested in joining the 319 squad, who must be 18 or older but do not need to have any previous athletic experience.
Those who are interested in joining the team are encouraged to email Combs (morganraek@hotmail.com) or Rosenwinkel (jekad@hotmail.com)
As I have mentioned before, while I am very happy and excited that Derby
1) It is a real sport. Yes the uniforms are for the most part free form and unorthodox by many standards, the actual play and outcome are just as real as baseball or football.
2) Derby fans are incredibly loyal and come from a large cross section: From the WFTDA website:
“Our 2010 demographic survey indicates that roller derby fans and skaters are highly loyal to their new favorite sport and come from all walks of life,” said Juliana Gonzales, WFTDA Executive Director. “This survey also reveals alternate interests within our sporting community, allowing us to target promotional partners. The results of this survey prepare the WFTDA and its individual member leagues to develop marketing and sponsorship opportunities for our emerging extreme team sport.”
Many of the groups of people in the demographics in the WFTDA survey are the same groups that newspaper and TV news are trying to attract for their readership/viewership, not to mention those who advertise in print and on TV.
3) Fans need information: Fans will want to know what happened at a bout that they either could not attend couldn't because the bout was too far away or sold out.
4) Attendance shows that there is an interest in Derby: If newspapers and sports departments understand the basics of supply and demand, then they should understand that, here in the Hawkeye State at least, there is a interest in the sport that goes beyond the occasional human interest story.
5) This sport is not a Parks and Rec. activity: The women who play flat track roller derby can't just walk off the street and get into a bout. A skills test, designed to prove the basic competency of potential Derby girl. Whereas I (the author) can walk in from the street and play Parks and Rec. softball, a Derby girl may have to work weeks or even months before she can even think about participating in a bout. This shows that while the Derby girl maybe amateurs, they are a cut above the quality of many Parks and Rec. teams and deserving of more media attention as that.
There are other reasons I am sure that I am not thinking of. But that is the basic gist.
Although this article ran in Mid-March, I feel that it is a good thing to share because the ground the Mid Iowa Rollers are treading right now shows just how big Derby has gotten.
The Sioux City Roller Dames look to avenge a March loss against the Omaha Rollergirls. But to do that they must handle Omaha on their home turf in front of their home fans in this Battle of I-29 rematch.
The bout will take place at SkateDaze in Omaha, 3616 S. 132 Street (See map)
Tickets are $8 presale and will be available on the Omaha Rollergirls website or from an Omaha Rollergirl, $10 on the day of the bout.
Kids 8 and under are free.
Doors will open at 7 p.m. with Bout Time at 7:30 p.m.
Left 4 Deadwards of the Old Capital City Roller Girls has made a brief movie about Roller Derby that she will be showing in Iowa City on May 7th. Deadwards also announced that she will be posting a trailer up for the movie on Facebook later this afternoon.
The film does not have an official title, nor does it look like it has a definite location for the screening. When more concrete details come out, I will post them.
In the meantime, I can't wait to see this. In the brief time that I have known her, Deadwards seems to always have something good in the hopper. I expect nothing less this time.
There is no doubt in my mind that 2010 is The Summer of Derby here in Iowa.
It’s true most people in the state do not know that the sport has come back. It’s also true that many people in the older set still associate roller derby with the sports entertainment antics laced faux-competitions that typified the sport in the seventies, eighties and even in the failed RollerJam experiment at the turn of the century.
Yet one need not be an insider to consider that what was probably only just a handful of Iowa women with a great idea as late at 2005 has evolved into a full-fledged revolution with at least nine leagues or single teams blanketing the state. It feels like there is an electric vibe in the air. The words “sold out” and “derby bout” are starting to appear in the same sentence enough to the point where out of town fans like myself are actually starting to worry about whether we can even get into a bout or not (It was only after the April 10th Des Moines Derby Dames- Wisconsin River Valley Roller Girls bout that I realized just how close Noel and I came to getting shut out of the match that we just travelled 115 miles to see).
It seems like there is an electric vibe radiating from the Iowa Roller Derby scene. Things are getting bigger yet they are getting bigger in an organic way. There is no centralized effort, nor is there a sleek ad campaign. It is strictly D.I.Y. Grassroots. People are simply coming to the game and understanding and the culture surrounding it enough to love it. Some women in the audience are apparently getting it enough to lace up and get in the game themselves.
This is a revolution.
As I sat there watching the Dames and the Roller Girls, I knew I was witnessing something special. I knew I wanted to do something to help the movement out any way I could. Since I have a background in journalism, I felt I could do it by writing about Derby and the women who play it.
Media outlets have been begun to pay attention to Derby’s rise in Iowa both in print and on video. Yet I see a common theme run through these stories, on the TV end at least. A station sends a reporter out to “join the team.” She arrives at the practice facility. Puts on the required safety equipment. Skates around the track. Gets lapped by the team. Begins to comment about how hard this really is. The team teaches her some basic derby moves and derby rules. If there is a sadist on the team they will knock said reporter on her ass. Then she will get her “derby name,” a bout time would be announced, and “back to you, Billy.”
Those stories are all fine and good. The problem is that this is the extent of derby coverage.
Since this is a serious sport, I believe that a more serious approach is required. And since the sport has so far not gotten any attention from the sports desks on either TV or the newspapers I suppose that means it falls to people like me.
Fine. Bring it.
But that leads to a question: How do you write in Roller Derby?
There are templates for how to write baseball, basketball, football and the like, but there is no template for how to cover a roller derby match. There doesn’t seem to be a box score system that a fan can glance at like they can for other sports to gage what happened during the course of a match.
Much trial and error is required no doubt before we arrive at something that gives the fan and other teams the true sense of what happened at a bout they missed.
But I want to ask you, readers of the site, what you think. Besides the obvious questions of who won and who scored the most points, what information would you like to know about a bout if you were not in attendance?
Should I use derby names or the real names of players?
What about a box score for derby matches? What essential stats should be included?
Thoughts, comments and suggestions are welcome as always. Reach me here in the comments section or e-mail me at derbydiaries@yahoo.com.
Go Go Berserk of the Quad City Rollers asked people on her Facebook Page what songs they like to hear at Roller Derby bout?
Since I am a huge music lover, I began to think about what songs do I think would sound good in a bout soundtrack.
This is only my personal opinion mind you.
The first song I would personally like to hear during a bout is "First Tube" by Phish. I realize that Phish does not have the greatest of names outside the jam band community (for the record I love jam band music), but this song is not your typical jam band noodling. In fact, even though it is close to seven minutes long, it does not feel like a jam at all. The pumping drums and bass line, I believe, make it an excellent accompaniment to a roller derby bout.
Dead Lee Danni, the head of the Eastern Iowa Outlaws wrote and asked me to include two Derby collectives that I missed...The Eastern Iowa Outlaws (Cedar Rapids/Marion) and The Mahaska Mayhem.
Thank you Dead Lee for writing in. As always if you have anything I am missing, questions or comments, don't hesitate to write me at derbydiaries@blogspot.com
Left 4 Deadwards of the Old Capital City Roller Girls tweets that there is apparently a tenth roller derby team in Iowa now.
They are called the Mount Pleasant Farm Fresh Roller Girls.
I looked for a website or a Facebook page this morning and couldn't find anything. If anyone has more info on this team please feel free to comment or write at derbydiaries@yahoo.com
In the next week I am going to be doing an article for the blog about Derby girls here in Iowa that had not tried on a pair of skates or played in any kind athletic event in years before joining a Derby team.
If you know any Derby girl on one of the Iowa teams that fit this description (or are one yourself) and want to be interviewed for this article, write me at derbydiaries@yahoo.com and we will set something up
This Saturday, April 17, 2010
Doors open at 5:30 p.m. Bout Begins at 7 p.m.
The RiverCenter 136 E. 3rd Street.
Davenport, Iowa
$9 in Advance
$12 at the Door
Ages 12 and under are FREE
Tickets available at Hy-Vee.
Less than a minute excerpt from the ESPN Classic Show Cheap Seats, show featuring the bad, fake roller derby that I loved so much in my youth
When I mentioned that I watched Roller Derby on ESPN every weekday morning at my grandmothers house, this was the exact show that I watched. And yes I did think it was real.
I originally had in mind an idea to write a column on here about the best way to watch a Roller Derby bout but it looks like there is a plethora of information out there.
I have yet to read a lot of it so I still might write it. I've already e-mailed some Derby players to assist me in it. But as far as explaining the basics of the flat track game, this is a video without peer from the Hammer City Roller Girls which can be found on the World Flat Track Roller Derby Association Website.
Got an e-mail from Left 4 Deadwards of Old Capital City.
Deadwards has a blog, Deadwards in Derbyland, that I would like everyone to check out. Just click on this http://deadwards.blogspot.com. Some excellent thoughts and opinions about life as a Derby athlete.
As always, if any Derby Girl, or Derby Fan, has anything they would like to share or discuss, shoot me a line at derbydiaries@yahoo.com
Interesting profile of the Mid Iowa Rollers(Des Moines) on Metro Woman TV in Des Moines.
There are two parts. At the beginning of part 2, there is a recipe for Eggs in a Bread Bowl. Since I have not advanced above Top Ramen it doesn't do me much good.
I think it's only fitting that this blog not only be devoted to my thoughts as a fan of derby, but also a place where you can write about your experience in Derby.
What I am looking for are Derby Girls who want to write about their experiences and talk about who they are, share stories about games, practices and anything else pertaining to Derby culture.
E-mail your stuff to derbydiaries@yahoo.com
Two guidelines:
1. I will try to avoid exerting much of a hand as far as editing (Spell checking, etc.)
2. Avoid using sports cliches. Here is a good website for that.
I had mentioned before that my father and I were hooked on a show on TNN back in the day called RollerJam, before they ruined it by emphasizing the pro-wrestling aspect of it.
I mentioned it to some of the Dames and Rollergirls at the after party on Friday, many had never heard of it.
With this in mind here is a bit of a sample of RollerJam pre-stupidity.
As you watch, listen for the name Stacey Blitsch. She is a native of Oelwein, Iowa and according to this site from 2008, is the "Queen of the Roller Derby."
I would be remiss if I did not talk about the blockers- those at the center of the action.
As I sit here at type this, upon reflecting on what I saw Saturday, it seems these women have the most complex job on the team. Certainly it can be the most frustrating and excruciating. If you are a blocker you are on skates, and while you may be experienced at skating, part of the back of your mind is working to make sure you keep balance and pace with the pivots. Not only that you have to worry about your counterparts on the other side. You have to be mindful of where they are and be prepared to act on them in split second. You have to have your body in a state of expectancy that you will be blindsided or unexpectedly shoved by the oppositions blockers.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly you have to keep in mind where your jammers are in relation to where you in the pack are. So when Minnie Mayhem, Cosmo Disco or Stella Italiana from the Dames and Sammi Tsunami and Hether Skelter from the Rollergirls come barreling toward you with the determined fury of a muscle car on the Autobahn you have to develop a split second strategies to deal with all of this madness.
But let us not sympathize too much with the blockers. They are also in the best position to knock someone on their ass. I remember a feature on Sports Center about the rise of roller derby (which I will post on here later) which included an interview with a girl with the moniker Honey Homicide. Honey said these famous words without a hint of cheekiness: "I hear people say 'well I don't want to hit somebody else.' Why not? You're totally missing out."
A final note on all of this. All the roles, pivots, jammers and blockers, are interchangeable. There was a sequence where Road Block, from the Rollergirls served as a jammer and Stella Italiana of the dames also served in role of blocker.
Regulars in the blocker pack for the Dames included Toxic Moss, M.O.A.B and Meggar Bomb and many others I am fogetting
Truly it was one of the best Saturday nights. This incarnation of Roller Derby was everything that I hoped for as a long time fan. From the first jam to the last, it had all of the warmness of catching up with an old friend. Yet during the match my mind could not escape the thought of the specialness of it all.
To me, the Des Moines Derby Dames, and the Wisconsin River Valley Rollergirls were a confirmation of everything that is noble, decent and honest in sports. You see, the weekend that Noel and I saw this match was day three of the Masters Golf Tournament. We all know about Tiger Woods' infidelities and while I try not to get caught up in expecting piousness from our athletes, I could not help but feel let down as a lifelong Tiger fan. It wasn't the same. It was also the first full weekend of Major League Baseball- a sport that has been tarnished by steroid allegations and multi-million dollar mercenaries that seem distant and aloof from its fans, even though I do still love it.
All of us who are fans of athletics are looking for something to love and believe in again. We desire the purity and competitiveness of the game that we see in our parks and rec softball diamonds and basketball courts. The Dames-Rollergirls bout provided that, but it gave us so much more.
Any who has played a game dreamed of becoming a legend. We dreamed of being heroes. We wanted to hit the game winning home run or sink the game winning basket. We wanted to be admired by friend and total stranger alike. We wanted to make the stadiums rock. We wanted to be heroes.
As I was watching these two teams skate.; observing the Dames joy at the close of their match, looking at the children of the Dames who were mothers smile and glow upon the conclusion of the match with the realization that their mom not only kicks ass figuratively, but literally; and listening to the applause and cheers and cheers of the audience during the match itself display pleasure at a successful or intense play got me thinking.
These women have not only resurrected a sport that I loved but thought was all but dead, they have turned themselves in the legends that most of us only dream about being. The names and persona may be exaggerated, but the event and the feeling were true. They dreamed. But more than that, they did something about it. And they did it with nothing more than a pure love for the game. No strings attached.
I sat there in the audience, which was cornucopia of average good midwesterners, handsome men and beautiful women out for a good time on a Saturday night, punks and regulars Children and families. I felt that we were witnessing more than a match. We were watching dreams in action. We were watching these regular women making themselves into legends. We were witness to pure sport and athleticism.
If you believe nothing else of what I have written you must do this: before the summer is ended you must go to a roller derby bout and see for yourself. There is nothing like a Roller Derby bout. Don't try to find a substitute either in one of those sports-entertainment derby leagues, either. Leave the buffoonery to the buffoons. Go to the real thing and go fast before it explodes.
And if you go, you will probably see me. I will be going back to Des Moines and am planning on making pit stops in Cedar Rapids, Iowa City and the Quad Cities.
And if you went on Saturday to the bout at the Val-Air or if you saw a bout in Wausau, Wisconsin, tip your caps to these women and be proud. They walk in the rarified air that most of us only dream of. . They are not sport entertainers like the Derby players of old.
Noel and I made I-35 from Highway 20 (which we hit coming out of Waterloo) in 50 minutes. Since this usually took me over an hour to make, and with about 1 hour and 20 minutes to cover about 60 miles, I began to get giddy. We were going to make the match on time.
The combination of that knowledge and the emergence of the evening sun out of the rainclouds that blanketed the north turned my attention to the bout itself.
What would it be like? A friend of mine who attended the Cedar Rapids Roller Girls bout told me that it was, in his words, kind of lame but added that a) he didn't have the greatest of seats and b) the beer was a bit pricey. I suppose the combination of those two things could make a lame night out of anything.
Still the question lingered, would it be lame?
In my previous post I mentioned that the incarnation of Roller Derby that the Dames play is different from previous editions. While the kitsch is in the names and the outfits, the actual competition is real. These women would be taking the floor without any idea of what was going to happen- for good or for ill. The ill showed up in the Dames' inaugural match as Dames founder, Show Stopper, was seriously injured in the bout against the Old Capital City Roller Girls of Iowa City. I cannot remember which foot was injured but it looked pretty serious.
Since the action was real, would it be timid, especially in light of such a serious injury?
Our high speed sprint down I-35 placed us in the parking lot of the Val-Air at 7:10 p.m. What Noel and I saw there surprised us. The parking lot was full. People were tailgating. Both of us agreed that this was cool. We also agreed we had to haul ass to get inside the building out of legitimate fear that it sold out. Fortunately, we got tickets.
Stepping inside, I saw the track boundary laid out in the center of the decent sized wooden dance floor. Unlike the roller derby I had been accustomed to seeing, this match would be done on a flat track.
The absence of a banked track had the possibility of slowing the overall speed of the game. On the other hand it paved the way for Suicide Seating. This wonderful bit of news was provided to Noel and I by Dames bench coach Squirrel Ex Machina- thus ending the debate about where we were going to sit.
The first team on the floor was the aforementioned River Valley Rollergirls from the Warsau-Schoefield, Wisconsin area. They were dressed in orange tops and came equipped with such wonderful names as Coochie Carnage, Gun Metal Grace, team leader Hether Skelter and the Eradiskater.
Then came the Dames, who were led out by the Isiserettes, a completely kick ass drum and dancing group that had so much soul, phat beats and energy that they could probably power a high octane rave all by themselves.
The incredibly impressive full color program contained what we would be in for.
There would be two 30 minute periods separated by a half time.
Both teams would field five girls. Two of them would serve as Jammers, recognizable by the star on their helmet. These two would be the only ones who can score points. The first jammer to break through the pack is awarded the status of lead jammer- the most powerful woman on the floor because she has the option to call off a jam at any point she so chooses before the two minute jam is over. The jammers can only score points on the second lap around the pack. Points are acquired when these jammers pass a member of the opposing team.
From my vantage point in the Suicide Seats, it looked like the Jammers started about 15 to 20 feet behind what is called the pack. At the lead of the pack are two girls, one from each team, known as Pivots, recognizable by the stripe on their helmets. These Pivots control the pace of the pack.
Behind the pivots were the blockers, three from each team. These women serve offensive and defensive purposes simultaneously. Offensively they have to navigate their jammer though the pack. Defensively they have to block the opposing teams jammer from breaking through.
A brief demonstration was exhibited for the audience prior to start of the match. This was done half-assed by both teams and understandably so. Both teams were ready. I was ready. Ready for whatever.
Besides the chaos of the first jam, which threw me for a loop at the simultaneous action of it all, the first person Noel and I noticed was a jammer that called herself Stella Italiana. The announcer mentioned that she had a background in speed skating. This experience manifested itself almost immediately. This Stella Italiana does not skate- she floats. Time after time throughout the course of the evening her navigation through the pack left Noel and I slack jawed At times she seemed to almost turn herself into a liquid substance to escape the waiting arms and bodies of the River Valley blockers only to emerge on the other side of the pack.
The second thing we noticed was the ease at which the Dames were racking up points and the difficulty that River Valley was having acquiring their own. Not only that, we noticed that many of the Rollergirls were being sent to the penalty box. Once there was as many as four. Throughout the night, especially in the early stages of the match, there were sights of upraised arms begging the officials for an explanation and one particular exasperated "What the fuck did I do?!" coming from Road Block of the Rollergirls.
Later at the after party we found out why. It had nothing to do with the quality of the players on the Rollergirls squad. They were simply out of their league- literally. The ladies explained to us after the game that they are what is called a "renegade" team. Renegade appears to be a form of Roller Derby that is far more physically aggressive and far less structured by rules than the World Flat Track Derby Association game that the Dames play under.
The physical nature of the match was made manifest almost immediately. On the first jam, Rollergirls leaderHether Skelter appeared to have bent her right pointer finger all to hell. Coochie Carnage, one of the frequent visitors to the penalty box was seen moving her jaw back and forth in obvious pain, trying as hard as she was to mask it. She stayed in the game.
As the game progressed the Rollergirls obviously began to feel more at home in the WFTDA format. points from jammers, such as the tenacious Sammi Tsunami, were becoming more frequent but by that time the Dames were far out of reach. Final Score 223-88.
Note: As I write this, it is 11:20 at night. There is more that I would like to say, but wouldn't do justice to those words and these women if I continued tonight. I'll try to wrap it up tomorrow. Sorry about that.
Roller Derby seems to come into my life at decade intervals.
I saw it on ESPN every morning at my grandmothers old house on the south side of Des Moines every morning before I boarded the school bus for a long cross town trip to McKee Elementary School. I remember the ladies of the L.A. Thunderbirds with their poofy hair done with what looked like a vat of hairspray. Looking back I remember the sheer pro-wrestling quality of it all. Women were either bad asses or virtuous athletes who occasionally had to do a dirty trick to overcome the evil of whichever team they were playing. Men were conquerors of the banked track, complete with cartoonish braggadocio.
I remember my father calling to inform me that he had tickets to the Thunderbirds match when they came to town. I remember how disappointed I was when my dad called to tell me the show had been canceled. No, disappointment is too nice. I cried like a little wuss. Soon ESPN began getting more and more big name sports and fun oddities like Roller Derby and Australian Rules Football went by the wayside.
Fast forward to 1999. My father, who is a bit of a derby enthusiast, rushes home one day (I was living with him in suburban Chicago while I was attending college) and commands someone (probably me) to turn on TNN (The Nashville Network, now known as Spike TV) because something was coming on at 8 p.m.
The appointed time came and there it was. RollerJam. Updated for the turn of the century. You still had a banked track but everyone wore inline skates over the traditional quads. Everyone that is except the legendary Mark D’Amato- God rest his soul.
For a season and a half, my father and I had a bonding experience watching this RollerJam. We loved it. Still cheesy. Obviously made up. There were moments where you had to laugh and shake your head at the ridiculousness of it all. But still it provided a bit of excitement and organized anarchy. The players had that same professional wrestling cartoonish quality (no one was better than D’Amato). Yet, at the same time you could not help but enjoy the athletes prowess. More often than not they successfully cast the illusion of reality in their physical actions, even though you knew it was fake.
Something happened though about the middle of the second season, as I remember. Things began to get really weird on RollerJam. New “characters” were being introduced. One of them was known as “The Prophet.” Apparently, according to the storyline anyway, the Southern Baptist inspired Fundamentalist Totalitarian felt that he could secure his ideal vision of world utopia by seizing control of the “World Skating League” as it was known. It was almost overnight that the program took this bizarre turn toward professional wrestling waters. Jams were becoming less and less. Weird stories and plot lines were on the rise-culminating in D’Amato and California Quakes men’s captain Sean Atkinson were brothers. The show reached its peak just before the second season, in the year 2000, when members of “The Bod Squad” (Jamie Conamac, Amy Craig and Olewein, Iowa’s own Stacy Blitsch) appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to being canceled at the end of the third season in 2001.
There was no good reason to completely change the format of that show. Whoever came up with the idea of changing the show format should have been strung-up, hung and then shot. My father and I are still pretty bitter about this.
Little did we know at the time that a completely new wave of Roller Derby was taking off among a group of females in Austin, Texas around the same time that the pre-stupidity RollerJam was running its course. I do not know who these girls are and since I am not getting paid to write this I am not going to find out.
I knew nothing of this until the annual Friendly Sons of St. Patrick Parade in downtown Des Moines. Two friends of my father’s ran the parade and since my wife Angie and I had the rare day off at the same time, we decided to take our three-year-old son Max on the two hour trip from Waterloo to see it.
In the middle of the parade, with its prerequisite candy tossing, marching bands and fire trucks (the presence of which never fails to blow Max’s mind), something blew my mind.
There she was, I believe her skating alias was M.O.A.B. (Mother of All Bombs). She was skating in uniform and on quads handing out business cards which contained the words “Des Moines Derby Dames” and http://www.dmderbydames.com
I could feel my heart leap with enthusiasm.
“They have roller derby around here?” I asked, my voice almost pleading that this was true.
“Yeah,” M.O.A.B. said with a warm smile. “First bout is April 10. You should come check it out.”
She skated off. Did that just happen? Was that an angel in quads? I didn’t even know I missed Roller Derby. I hadn’t brought it up in years. The transaction from M.O.A.B to me unleashed a torrent of intense feelings toward my favorite long-lost sport. The Derby Gods, or in this case, A derby goddess named M.O.A.B. bade me to come.
Once I got back to Waterloo, I did some research. My mind was racing with the singular question: what the hell happened? Here is what I made out: the women who came up with the idea in Austin, Tx. had unleashed a revolution. Women’s teams began to spread out through the county. Yet this particular form of roller derby that began to explode across the country was not the professional wrestling fueled wackiness that fueled the L.A. Thunderbirds and ultimately destroyed Roller Jam.
The presence of that knowing ridiculousness is still there, but it is limited to the names and attire of the athletes. For instance, the ladies of the Dames tossed off their everyday names and equipped themselves with monikers like M.O.A.B., Toxic Moss, Meggar Bomb and Cosmo Disco. The matter of dress below the waist was a different proposition. Some wear fishnets. Others wear shorts. Others still wear short dress bottoms. You might even see an occasional tutu.
Further proof of this divine intervention of Derby into my life was that the weekend of the Dames first bout fell on that rare weekend where I neither had to work Saturday night nor Sunday morning. The opening home bout for the Des Moines Derby Dames was slated for Saturday night April 10th at the legendary Val-Air Ballroom in West Des Moines. The Dames would play against the River Valley Roller Girls from Wausau, Wisconsin.
My wife announced that she would be heading north with her mother to crawl through the retail jungle that is IKEA for a certain dining room table and chair set that thus far had been as elusive to her as the holy grail is to archeologists. She wound up taking our three year old son with her. I had already telephoned my friend Noel to go to the match with me. Something told me that this would be his kind of scene.
The choice was obvious to Noel and I. The question was not whether we should take the crazy action of driving the 110-plus miles to Des Moines to watch a Roller Derby match, but rather if we could gun it fast enough to cover the distance between us and the Val-Air between 5 p.m. when Noel got off work to the 7:30 start time in West Des Moines without dealing with the potential consequences of driving 85 in a 70 mph zone.
There comes a time in a man’s life where larger voices call him to drastic and necessary measures. This was one of them. Noel got off work on time. We went to his house where he fetched some caffeinated water and then we pointed my 2001 Saturn in the direction of Des Moines.
