Scene Report: Rolling Along the River Three: The Three Is Short for Threeeelling! by Skinnerella (SCRD)

IRDD's Woman In Sioux City, Skinnerella of the Sioux City Roller Dames, filed this scene report from what looked like an incredible tournament. Skinnerella is the author of this piece.

Yesterday’s Rolling Along the River tourney was a day of learning and playing, of light snacks and heavy hits. After 16 hours of derby, merby and ferby (that’s f-ing-awesome derby) I’ve learned three things about myself: 1. If I’m hungry enough, I’ll steal McNuggets 2. I’m not above crying when a hoss of a man skates over my hands 3. I’m incapable of looking cool while wearing a mouthgaurd, but then, so is everyone else. If you weren’t there, you should probably start weeping silently right now, because there’s no way that I could recreate the eyeball-melting, tongue-exploding, nosehair-curling derby action with this simple media. I can, however, tell you all that I remember, which isn’t much; I think I had my bandana cinched too tightly.

            The first round of Women’s derby went a little something like this:

            Rushmore had a bye, as the team they were scheduled to play was not able to make it to the tournament. Fargo-Moorhead played the first bout of the morning against fledgling team, Norfolk Bruizin’ Bettys. In an important learning experience, Fargo beat the feathers off Norfolk 156-15. Next up for the ladies was Mississippi Valley Mayhem taking on my favorite team, the Sioux City Roller Dames. T-Vicious, who was also Dames’ MVP for the day, showed us all that she has lost her milk teeth when she KABLAMMMED Mississippi Valley’s jammer with a perfect and clean hit, preventing a grand slam. Dames came out on top with a score of 118-48. Next up was Babe City Rollers vs. Harbor City Roller Dames. I have to be honest. I was off having a snack during this bout and missed almost all of it, but I can tell you that various events transpired, actions were taken and responses were made and at the buzzer, the score was 79-40, Babe City. Thus ended round 1 of the double elimination women’s tournament.

            Meanwhile, there were all these dudes in tight pants hanging around and someone told me they were there to play roller derby. The men played a round-robin style tournament, each team playing all of the others. Let me first point out a few nuanced differences between merby and women’s derby. Testicles are a factor, particularly when falling, but also when choosing one’s derby name. Some of my favorites include: Egor Toboneya, Craven Moorehead, One Nate Stand and Johnny Pocket Rocket. Also, men’s derby usually keeps a faster pace with more jumping and less booty blocking (for obvious reasons).

            First up, Race City Rebels took on Rock City Riot. Quadzilla, of Rock City, besides making all the 8-wheeled ladies swoon, made some baffling moves on the track, spinning and jumping like Michelle Kwan and hitting like [insert good offensive lineman here]. Rock City edged out Race City 77-67. Next, Twin City Terrors took on short-stacked Milwaukee Blitzdkrieg. Though they usually save their whoring for off the track, a few of Sioux City’s own man-refs whored on with Milwaukee. Terrors were impervious to the blitz and won handily 117-29.

            Back in the women’s world of cooking, cleaning and beating the tar out of each other, Fargo took on Rushmore in round 2 of the winner’s bracket, winning 101-6. Sioux City faced Babe City in round 2 and came away with our second win of the day, outscoring Babe City 107-77. Sioux City and Fargo advanced to the semifinals, earning ourselves a nice, long nap break.

            The one-loss bracket moved into round 2 with Harbor City taking on Rushmore in a real butt-clencher of a bout. Harbor city took a slim lead in the last two minutes, then with Harbor City’s jammer in the box, Rushmore came back to win it in the final jam. Babe City defeated Mississippi Valley 71-19 and advanced to the next round to take on Rushmore.

            Round three of the winner’s bracket pitted Fargo against Sioux City in a bout so exciting that I think I peed in my boutfit just a little. SC and Fargo swapped the lead throughout the 30-minutes of play. Fargo Jammer, Shock Therapy was only exacerbating our melancholia, while SC blocker/jammer, Dubbs was handing out canopeners like Halloween candy. With only seconds left on the clock, the last jam started with the score 40-36, Fargo. PBR took lead jammer, made one pass for a grand slam then called it off, bringing the score to 40-41, Sioux City.

            After their first 3 bouts, Babe City had lost several players to injury and work schedules, leaving them with only 5 players able to bout. They didn’t take on any outside players, so the men’s teams that were scheduled to play the next bout suited up, expecting Babe City to forfeit. But these babes didn’t quit. They played Rushmore with only one line, never leaving the track, swapping helmet panties on the fly. At first, everyone was cheering for their moxy and character, but then we were cheering because they were actually winning. I felt like I was watching an inspirational montage in a movie about an underdog roller derby team. Babe City took the bout 107-58.

            Back in the testosterone-fueled world of merby, Race City took on the TC Terrors. After their first narrow loss to Rock City, Race City made another impressive-but-not-winning showing against the Twin Cities team, losing 51-72. Next up, Rock City took on Milwaukee, beating them by more than 100 points with a final score of 125-21. In the match-up between Race City and Milwaukee, Race City came out ahead 155-23…okay, way ahead.

            The men’s championship pitted Rock City against the TC Terrors. I was torn apart, not knowing who to cheer. On the one hand, you’ve got Quadzilla doing headstands and whirling around skaters like stripper poles and on the other you have my new derby crush; I won’t say who it is, but I will tell you that he likes to tend rabbits and pet puppies, but sometimes he just pets too hard. These guys played an incredibly exciting bout, with TC coming out on top 115-42. But I say, when you have that many men rolling around in tight shorts, everybody wins.

            Babe city, after their heroic win in the third round of the one-loss bracket, was not up for the semifinal game against Fargo. They forfeited, advancing Fargo to the Final bout against Sioux City. The first Fargo-SC bout had been so close, that we all knew not to go counting our baby crocodiles before they hatched. It was nearing 11:00 when we took the track, so none of us were quite as fresh and spry as we had been 14 hours earlier. Our fatigue manifested itself in the form of penalties; it’s just SO hard not to cut the track and trip people when you’re sleepy. Both teams spent plenty of time in the box, but Fargo definitely out-naughtied SC, giving us the advantage. At the buzzer, the score was 72-45, Sioux City. This end was not nearly as climactic as our earlier bout against Fargo, but we were glad to have to opportunity to play this awesome team again.

            We’d like to thank everyone who came all the way out to little ol’ Sioux City and spent the weekend playing, watching, cheering and smelling us. We can’t wait to do it again next year!

Sioux City Roller Dames vs. Des Moines Derby Dames: How to Catch a Saucy Noodle and Craft a Confusing Metaphor By Skinnerella

Our woman in Sioux City, Skinnerella, gives us the scoop on the Des Moines Derby Dames vs. Sioux City Roller Dames on Saturday as only she can. She is the author of this piece.

When you talk about roller derby secret weapons, you usually think of things like a big ol’ hoss who is blindingly fast or a puny little thing that can block like nobody’s business. You never expect the cupcake, though. M.O.A.B., Des Moines Derby Dames blocker and head cupcakist, left these stealthily placed butter cream bombs right in our locker room, where we had no choice but to eat six or seven of them apiece, right before the bout.

Despite bellies laden with cupcakes, the Roller Dames persevered, jumping out to a 9-0 lead, after the first two jams. Dames and Dames swapped the lead several times during the first half, with D3 racking up lots of quick scores and Sioux City playing our feast-or-famine style of derby, putting up 0 points in one jam then 18 in the next.

D3 made up some major ground when they put Stella Italiana in to jam 4 in a row, bringing the score to 43-44. If you’ve never seen Stella jam, let me try to describe it for you with a little help from my good friend, Chef Boyardee. With her slight build, Stella looks like the spaghetti noodle that snuck into the beef ravioli can. She is as slippery as a spaghetti-o and harder to catch than the last meatball floating around in the sauce. Oh, and did I tell you she leaps? There’s no fitting canned pasta metaphor here, homegirl’s just got mad hops.

With D3 only one point shy of a tie, PBR lined up to jam, ringing up 23 (What!?) points and giving Sioux City a 20 point lead. Sioux City proceeded to only score one more point over the next 5 jams, allowing D3 to claw their way back (not literally, they were all really lovely girls). We retired to the locker room with the score 65-68, Roller Dames.

During halftime, D3 introduced us all to their new D3 league team, the Crash Test Dolls. We were so happy for our fellow dames and their new expansion team, that we decided we should eat some more cupcakes to celebrate.

Fueled by chocolate and oh-so-creamy frosting, we again took the floor. In the first jam of the second half, D3 pitted Elbow Macfearson (winner of my favorite name honor, after someone explained it to me) against Funsize. Elbow eked out a 3 point lead before calling the jam. Next up for Sioux City was PBR who again put up a big number (14) and pulled our team back into the lead. After a couple of solid jams by Cosmo Disco, D3 had again tied the score, paving the way for Stella Italiana to snatch the lead back for Des Moines. Well then, of course Sum Mo Payne said, “Gaw-lee, y’all! It’s not that hard! Just score more points than them!” So she did; putting up 12 and outscoring D3 by 7.

Dames’ jammers, Mo, Dubbs, PBR and Funsize hung on to that lead like it was the last parachute on a plummeting airplane. Meanwhile Sioux City’s blockers had finally figured out how to manage Stella Italiana. Through the first half, we just couldn’t manage to get ahold of her. Our 2 and 2 blocking and even 3-walls still left her plenty of space to get by. So we built a 4-wall; eight of our big ol’ butt cheeks lined up like pretty maids all in a row, proved impenetrable, well, relatively so. Felony Convixxen, The Annihilatrix and Dubbs realized that it was not impossible to knock Stella off of her skates, exceedingly difficult, yes, but not impossible.

Stella Italiana put up 79 of D3’s 145 total points, but the bout was by no means “The Stella Show”. D3 jammers, Minnie Sotuff and Cosmo Disco had impressive performances, while Elbow Macfearson, Toxic Moss and Ella Diablo, just to name a few, made our jammers’ job about as frustrating as potty training a ferret; I mean, it’s possible, but it sure isn’t easy.

PBR scored 75 of Sioux City’s 153 points, including 14, 15 and 23-point jams. T-vicious pulled off some wicked hits and wound up with her very first case of nasty rink rash. Can you get some kind of weird skin infection from 7-Up residue in an open wound?

The start whistle for the last jam sounded with 45 seconds left on the clock. Stella was heads up against PBR, with 12 points needed for D3 to tie. Stella put up a quick 5, and then called the jam with 3 seconds left on the clock. It would have been a great strategy, had someone called a timeout, but if anyone did, the refs didn’t see it. The last seconds ticked off the clock, the final buzzer sounded and, after several excruciating seconds, the final score of 145-153 lit up the scoreboard. It was sweaty hugs and boobilicious chest bumps all around for the Roller Dames. This was, by far the closest and most exciting bout of our season and we can’t wait to see the Derby Dames here on our home turf on November 13. And, um, if anyone wants to bring any cupcakes or anything, you know (wink, wink, M.O.A.B.), that’d be cool too.

Sioux City Roller Dames v. Muddy River Nightmares: A Terrifying Dream About A Monster With 26 Butt Cheeks, 13 Chins And 104 Little Wheels By Skinnerella

Big things are also with the scene reports of Skinnerella, IRDD's Correspondent in Sioux City. Not only did Skinnerella once again deliver the goods with her distinctive outlook on her team, she now has her husband doing statistics to provide us with an even better picture of what went on in the bout. Skinnerella is a member of the Sioux City Roller Dames and is the writer of this piece.

Is there anything, anyplace, anytime better than roller derby on a Saturday night? Seriously. It has everything: beautiful women with their giant thighs, vicious hits, the real possibility that you will see someone get hurt and, of course, the soothing aroma of derby girls, a smell that calls to mind the safety and comfort of living inside a giant’s sweaty belly button. Yes, my friends, we had all of these wonders and more at the Roller Dames’ home opener on Saturday night. We hosted the Muddy River Nightmares of Clinton, IA, joined by one of the finest specimens in the derby world, Lolli Popya, of the Mid Iowa Rollers.

The Dames jumped out to an early lead, with Dubbs and Funsize scoring 17 unanswered points in the first two jams. While we all thumb-pecked “OMG we are sooo awesome” into our Droids, Lolli Popya and Syphiliz scored 12 points, while the Muddy River blockers shut the Dames offense down. Luckily PBR reminded us that we were playing roller derby when she scored 22 points in the next jam. Meanwhile, behind the façade of this innocent looking legal aide attorney, The Annihialatrix knocked the pee pee out of Muddy River jammer, Ooton.

Dames D-ttt (that’s a fence, y’all) kept Muddy River scoreless through the next five jams while Dubbs rung up a 20-point jam and PBR had another excellent 15-point jam. PBR and Dubbs were all over Muddy River like freckles on Dave Mustane’s bottom, outscoring the opposing jammers by 53 and 52 points, respectively. When they took their jammer panties off, these two were crushing (mostly legally) the Muddy River jammers.

For Muddy River, Ooton and Lolli Popya both scored 14-point jams. Lolli Popya scored a total of 72 points in the game, with 8 grand slams. Krystallica, who scored 37 total points, had her shoulder up in everyone’s business, blowing holes in the red wall. I named my blue-speckled butt cheek Krystallica Jr., after its daddy.

Dames had a comfortable lead at the half, with a score of 160-91. Maybe we ate too many bananas, maybe we didn’t get our underpants back on straight, whatever the case, we had a rough start in the second half, getting shut out 5 of the first 6 jams. Luckily, Dubbs, Felony and Spanky Bottoms took up the slack and kept the Muddy River jammers under control.

We steadily stretched our lead through the second half, but Muddy River kept it competitive and exciting. Lolli Popya was everywhere and nowhere, blocking Sum Mo Payne at the back of the pack, disappearing, then reappearing at the front of the pack to block her again; it was like there was a wrinkle in the matrix.

Dames’ Lil’ Mizfit, who hadn’t jammed during the bout, went in as jammer in the final minute and put up twenty-m-f-ing-one points! Really! 21! It was nuts. It was insanity. It was the second-largest scoring swing in the entire bout. I sure hope Mizfit likes shiny stars, because I think she’ll be wearing them a lot more often.

The final score was 260-155, Dames. The Muddy River Nightmares, despite being a relatively young team, played clean and solid roller derby throughout. They are a team that will, no doubt, get stronger with every bout that they play and I, for one, can’t wait to play them again. Thanks to all of the ladies and gents of Muddy River for coming all the way out to our side of the state.

**You may have noticed that this blog was teeming with numbers and stats, even though everybody knows that mama’s little bumpkin can’t count to 20 with her shoes on. You can thank my husband and life-long abacus, who took detailed notes. Nothing is sexier than skillful note-taking.

Scene Report: Sioux CIty vs. Norfolk (Neb.) By Skinnerella

IRDD's Sioux City correspondent Skinnerella is back with another excellent scene report. She is also back on the track . Skinnerella is the author of this piece.

Sioux City--This morning I, like many of you, I'm sure, woke up covered in fresh bruises, stinking of stale sweat, wondering, "What the hell happened last night?" Well, I don't know what happened to you, but roller derby is what happened to the Sioux City Roller Dames and the Norfolk Bruizin' Betties! It was like one big, happy family, only with less drinking and crying. We mixed the teams and split into two squads: Team Kill vs. The Unicorns. Norfolk's team, being brand new and still fresh and crisp from the box, got the great experience of teaming up with some of the veteran members of the Dames.

It was a night of many firsts; for some of the girls, it was their first time on a track, or even their first time on skates since graduating from the pony princess pom-pom model, and others (ahem, yours truly among them) popped their jammer cherry. First time jammers, including Cream Ur Soda and Capitana Feisty for The Unicorns and Miss Ruthless and Lolly Rocket Pop for Team Kill, made epic (or at the very least, novel) showings against some of the most formidable ass-walls in the game. Watch out for these ladies; you WILL hear about them again.

As impressive as the fresh meat looked, you couldn't help but notice the perfectly aged steaks skating around the track (that's it for the meat metaphor, I swear). Mo Payne scored a baffling 24 points in the third jam of the game, putting Team Kill securely in the lead. The Unicorns kept their horns to the grindstone, keeping the game within reach, and went into halftime 20 points down.

In the second half, everyone was finally in a groove and that groove led directly to the penalty box. Unicorns made up some ground with Team Kill's jammers tethered to the box with rubber bands. Meanwhile, Crystal Carnage, Team Kill's ridiculously pregnant bench coach screamed so loud that her fetus almost stormed right out of her womb to ask her mommy to keep it down.

We all love to score, but derby isn't derby without some big ol' hits. Felony Convixen, blocking for Team Kill, cleaned Hana Filaxis' clock, her watch and her kitchen timer, too. Your very own Skinnerella got launched at the scoring table; I played it cool, like I just flew over to say hi to Derek in the middle of a jam, but Felony Convixen bought my plane ticket. Psych-a-della reminded everyone why they are called the Suicide Seats when she gracefully took out an entire row of chairs.

All in all, it was quite a bargain for a night of free roller derby. The final score was 121-154, Team Kill. But really, when you spend the evening knocking the crap out of your best friends, everybody wins.

Three Sioux City Roller Dames To Skate Across South Dakota To Raise Money For M.S.

Note: Skinnerella of the Sioux City Roller Dames is the author of this piece. This is a very cool idea.

Some of you may have already heard about the three members of the Sioux City Roller Dames who are skating across South Dakota to raise awareness, and cash, for the North Central States Chapter of the MS Society. If not, allow me to enlighten you. Multiple sclerosis is a chronic disease of the central nervous system that can severely debilitate those who suffer from it. It strikes perfectly healthy people of any race at almost any age, and affects the way a person moves, thinks and feels. The goal of Sk8 the State for MS is to teach people about this devastating disease and recruit more troops in the fight to eradicate it.

Three of our favorite Dames, Mo Payne, Dubbs and PBR will spend seven days skating 290 miles from border to border, covering the beautiful (and excruciatingly hilly) state of South Dakota. Their only support will be one vehicle and two volunteers, who will carry their food, water, equipment, band-aids and tents. The skaters expect this journey to be one if the most difficult, and most rewarding endeavors of their lives.

The route is rough, which skaters know is going to eat up a lot of wheels, stops and pads. Many of our derby brothers and sisters have stepped forward with offers to help and we continue to be grateful for all you have done, but we still need your help. In addition to donations of money, which go directly to the MS Society, the skaters are asking for donations of new and barely used equipment. How bad would it suck to grind down your only toe stops 100 miles into the trip? Let’s keep these great ladies rolling through to the last mile!

Sk8 the State would also like to invite all of their eight-wheeled friends to join them on September 4 for the final 15-mile push. You will roll out at 12:00 noon, from the weigh station at the intersection of Hwy 81 and SR 46, just a few miles west of Mayfield (you can email for more detailed directions), and end the trek at the state line in Yankton, SD. Sk8 the State asks that skaters make a donation of $20 to the MS Society; your donation will get you free admission to the after party, potluck dinner and concert in Gayville, SD and they’ll reserve you a spot at the campout that night. Great time, great friends, great cause: what more could a gristly derby gal or guy want?

If you’d like to be a part of the journey, please register via phone or email by August 15, or, to donate cash or equipment, contact Melissa Dittberner (you may know her better as Mo Payne) at 605-661-1113 or sk8thestate@hotmail.com. Any monetary donations should be payable to Sk8 the State for MS, and mailed directly to Sk8 the State for MS, c/o Melissa Dittberner, PO Box 175, Gayville, SD 57031, or you can make donations at any Wells Fargo Bank branch to the Sk8 the State for MS fund.


Note: Here is the map of the route they are taking.

Scene Report: Mid Iowa Rollers Vs. Sioux City Roller Dames By Skinnerella

NOTE: Skinnerella is a member of the Sioux City Roller Dames. She is the author this piece.
 

DES MOINES --Do you still have fingernails? If so, then you must not have made it to the bout last night! The Rollers came away with the win, but the score never got out of reach, keeping us all hollering and clenching our butt cheeks until the final whistle.

The Dames and Rollers swapped the lead throughout the first half. With great defense and some big, beefy hits, the Dames stifled the super speedy Rollers' jammer, C-Tal Fa-Tal. During the last few minutes of the half, the Rollers pulled away, bringing the score to 70-42 going in to halftime.

The Dames regrouped and brought it strong in the second half. Dames outscored the Rollers 17-4 in the first three jams. Dames defense continued to work its block magic through the half. In one eyeball-searingly awesome hit, the Dames little cocktail sausage (Funsize) knocked the Rollers' foot-long (Anna Killakova) clean off her skates and out of the pack.

A slew of penalties left the Rollers' with their jammer, pivot and one blocker in the box, and allowed the Dames to score 5 unanswered points, bringing the score to 94-91, Rollers. With two minutes left in the bout, the bathrooms emptied, the teenagers quit making out and everyone stood on up their chairs. Dames mercenary jammer, SyphiLiz led the final jam for a gain of three points, but, alas, it wasn't quite enough and the final whistle blew with the score 124-116, Rollers.

Win or lose, a close game is a fun game and everyone hit the door smiling. Thanks and spanks to the Mid Iowa Rollers for hosting us and showing us a great time!

Scene Report: Sioux City Vs. Omaha by Skinerella

 NOTE: Skinnerella is a member of the Sioux City Roller Dames. She is the author this piece.

Last night was a great night to cheer for the Roller Dames! Fans came our en force, making the ninety mile drive down to Omaha's Skate Daze, to support our Dames.

The Roller Girls mounted a 10-point lead early in the first half, until Dubbs racked up a knock-you-on-your-ass impressive 14 points in a single jam, swinging the score from a 10-point deficit to a one-point lead. There was more scoring than prom night at the alternative high school and, only fifteen minutes into the first half, the score was tied at 40-40.

Fast skating, fast skating, skip ahead, and the Dames ended the first half with a 15-point lead. Did they relax and sit on their butt-pads? Never! In the second half, three more Dames' jammers had 14+ point jams, with PBR scoring 15, Sum Mo Payne racking up 14 and Funsize scoring a controversial 15 points (fans and fellow skaters will swear that she really scored 20 points or more). The mad-fast jammers ended the bout with a 49-point lead!

Don't think the jammers were the only pretty girls at the party, though. The Dames' big-ass red wall was not taking any nonsense from anyone last night. The blockers looked like they were all butt cheeks and shoulders the way they were pin-balling the Roller Girls off the track. The Dames kept the Roller Girls scoreless in several jams, while still whipping and pushing our jammers through the pack.

Both teams played all-out, boobs-to-the-wall roller derby until the last jam was called with the final score 131-180. Win or lose, a bout as competitive as the one last night is always a great show, but, I have to say, it's pretty f-in' sweet when it's a win.